Reminiscence
by BubuzukeOnna
Summary: Shizuru PoV, recounting her past as well her present during the HiME festival. UPDATE 2011*  This is going to get another huge over-haul in the near future.
1. Curse

_Author's Notes:_

_I first began to write this as a one shot. It was a brief glance at Shizuru's past accompanied by a present analysis of why she fell for Natsuki. Readers suggested I continue, and so I decided to abide by their wishes._

_On the second go-round I started to write a full-fledged fanfiction (my first). I deleted the accompanying paragraphs, and wrote eight more chapters. Each a small vignette of Shizuru's memory's and thoughts throughout her life and the HiME festival. _

_Many of the chapters will have slight to dramatic changes from the original eight chapters I wrote several months ago (if you should have happened to read them on Live Journal at that time)._

_A wonderful author I have the pleasure of knowing asked me what my motivation for writing this particular story was. At least this question was an easy one to answer. My intent was to provide a background for Shizuru's character, and the consequent motivating forces and psychological aspects that would help explain her later behaviors. In a way (to my mind), redeeming her, as I have seen many a scathing interpretation of her character. It may be that she is simply awful and selfish without justification other than she may have grown up taught that she could and should have whatever she wanted, this may have been the character designers idea when they created her. I find her to be one of the most compelling and mysterious characters none-the-less, and decide to think more kindly on her._

_This takes place in an AU, thus not all facets are completely accurate in accordance with the HiME manga/anime. _

_There were several people who have found this particular story to be too angst-ridden when I originally posted it. If you don't like a dark sort of story, you probably won't want to read this._

* * *

'What did I do? Why am I to have a daughter instead of a son?! It's a curse, she's a curse...'

I'm not sure when I came to understand the words my father was saying, but those are the first words I remember understanding. I can suspect with quiet confidence that they were the first words that were ever spoken to me. I still hear them in my dreams, echoing, vibrating in my skull as the clang of a lead pipe hitting cement. The burning hatred in my father's eyes that would turn so quickly to pain made me believe that at any moment he might begin to cry openly. He never did. There were only footsteps moving away. My heart ached for him. I remember yearning so badly to take away that look, that pain I saw in him when I was near.

On an afternoon when I was younger, I returned home from school having borrowed some clothing from a male classmate. In my naivete, it had not occurred to me that there was much more in way of being a boy than to act and dress as one. For weeks I had observed carefully the mannerisms of boys and men, and this day I had felt certain I could be one for my father. He would see what I had done for him, and he would no longer be unhappy. For the first time he would smile at me instead of scowl. I have not yet had an experience to match the disappointment I felt on this day. I did not go inside to greet my mother as I would ordinarily. Instead, filled with hopeful thoughts, I waited in front of the house for my father to return home from his business.

My father is a powerful man. Our family is one of the oldest, and most respected in Kyoto. He heads a very prosperous business, and it had been his one desire to have a son who would one day take his place. They had tried for years to have children. It had been shameful to them, but they had even gone to see a specialist. They were told it was very unlikely they would ever have a child. Still my parents had continued to try, and for a brief moment they had believed a miracle had come to pass. The miracle was fleeting since it was I who was to be born, and not the son they so badly desired. I did not know all of this yet, and never heard from them personally. I learned it many years later from the daughter of my father's closest friend. She, who is much older than I, said she had heard our fathers speaking of it one evening while my mother was pregnant.

When my father saw me, he paused for a moment. Bowing deeply, I told him I would do my best to be an honorable son for him. There was no sound for a long time. I thought, surely he is too happy to speak. I raised my head hoping with all my being to see a smile, but there was no smile. His face was the shade of a japanese maple leaf, his eyes were dark, and he was shaking.

Before I could blink I felt a sharp pain on my scalp. I found myself scrambling to keep my feet under me as I was dragged into the house. My neck felt as if it would snap, and I gasped for breath as I thudded to the floor in front of my mother.

'What is this!", my father had hissed.

My mother looked at me for a moment, and then turned away. As I heard the thunder of my father's footsteps fade, I began to cry softly. When I tried to push myself up, a knifing pain seared through my entire arm. Yelping, my tears began to flow more freely.

'Okasan...', I called to my mother.

'You shame us,' she whispered.

At that moment, it felt as if every bit of life, every bit of blood in my body drained. I gave up. Wilting, I crumpled up on the floor like an old rag. I shed youth and left it there, a cicada's shell. The husk of a child.

'I wish you had never been born.'

She said this under her breath. Perhaps she thought that I couldn't hear. My thoughts raged through my mind as I padded silently to my quarters.

_I wished it too, Okasan, I wished it too..._


	2. Flowers

We have not once spoken of that day since it passed. My father is exceptionally attentive to etiquette, but he had been so angry that he had not even remembered to take his shoes off before entering the house. An action which I've not yet seen him repeat. He had come to spending much time out with his business companions, and only occasionally acknowledging my existence when he was home.

My mother, despite her harsh words, remained attentive. That is only natural- as it is her duty to ensure that I am successful as a daughter, a student, and a woman. I began to have many more after-school lessons, and to be honest I quite enjoyed them. Being a 'son', now that I am older and have a greater understanding of everything that entails, is not something I think I would have enjoyed as much. I love the aesthetics of the world of women. The gently rolling trails of Kimono, the silky swish of walking, the sweet sound of a well played Shamisen, the mystical quiet of the Tea Ceremon. It is a world overflowing with undulating currents of sensuality, wrapped in the most delicate and elegant of bindings.

My mother seemed sincerely surprised and baffled as she humbly refuted compliments she received on my behalf. On our way home I would see her sneak studying glances at me. She would send me to complete my homework with a 'Continue to do your best.' I believe that was her way of acknowledging my efforts and encouraging me. It made me happy, and I did do my best. I have always done my best.

On days that there were no lessons for me to attend, I would remain at school long after it was time to go home. Sometimes I would help other students clean up the classrooms or study. Mostly, I liked to watch out of the window. It was during these times that I would see Mr. Sugiyama tending to flowers on the school grounds.

Flowers are something I have always found beautiful; I don't suppose there are very many who find flowers disagreeable…at least in appearance. Some of my lessons were in Ikebana, but I had never had any experience with flowers that had not been removed from the ground.

I am uncertain as to what prompted me to go out to have a closer look, but I did. I stopped a few feet from where Mr. Sugiyama was leaning over on his knees, and watched quietly. A few moments later he noticed me.

'Ah, Fujino-san' he acknowledged my presence with a nod of his head, but continued packing the soil around a small plant with pale yellow blooms.

'You stay late often, don't you?' he asked.

'I try to study and help with the cleaning…'

He emitted a low gravely sound and appeared to be thinking. His hands paused shortly, before coming to rest lightly on his thighs. He looked up at me.

'I think it is very commendable of you to work so hard…but you are still very young…shouldn't you enjoy yourself a little bit? There is plenty of time for you to work when you are an upper class-man. Surely, you have some friends who will miss playing games with you?'

I wasn't quite sure what to say. Feeling a little embarrassed, I bowed.

'Please forgive me Mr. Sugiyama, I don't know anything.'

I began walking away, but Mr. Sugiyama called out,

'Fujino-san, perhaps I said things which are not my place to say. You must have your reasons… Do you like flowers?'

Turning around tentatively, I continued to keep my head lowered.

'Yes' I whispered, 'very much.'

'Well, if you like to help than might I ask you to assist me? There is still some pruning left to do.'

'Really? I can help?' I asked, my embarrassment not quite forgotten.

'Of course, it would be very appreciated. Have you done any gardening before?'

'No, I apologize, maybe I am not the right pers…'

'Non-sense, I will teach you. Come with me.'

I followed him to a row of bushes near the front gate.

'Wait here for a moment,' he said before striding away across the lawn.

The flowers on the bushes were smaller than roses, but bigger than the yellow blooms that Mr. Sugiyama had been attending to earlier. Theirs was a shade that was not quite pink, and not quite purple. The petals were soft and delicate. I reached out my hand to cup it and bring it closer, bending to smell its fragrance. My eyes widened in surprise, as my fingers felt the prick of thorns that I had not expected to be there. Pulling my hand away quickly, I stared at the small drops of blood forming on the tips of my fingers. Mr. Sugiyama had just returned with two pairs of shears.

'Ah, they bit you,' he chuckled good-naturedly. 'May I see your hand?' I raised it up so that he could see.

'It doesn't really hurt,' I admitted.

'That is good, you were probably fairly gentle to begin with.'

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small package of tissues, placing one gently in my hand.

'Flowers, especially beautiful ones, like all things in nature have ways to protect themselves. They do their best, but still sometimes things happen that make trouble for them as they reach for the sun. If they try so hard, I believe they should be rewarded. That is why I try to help them to do their best. What do you think, Fujino-san?'

'You must be right…I think flowers should be forgiven for having thorns and biting too, is that right Mr. Sugiyama?' I asked, still considering the teacher's words.

'Yes, Fujino-san, that is exactly right.' He handed me a set of shears. 'Now, let me show you how we will help. Ah…we will sing also, to encourage them, you do like to sing don't you Fujino-san?'


	3. The Meeting

Every free moment unfilled with schoolwork or lessons was spent learning more about flowers and gardening from Mr. Sugiyama. Occasionally other students would also join us, and it felt as if we were a small circle of close friends. It is funny to me now, how flowers can bring people together.

I told my mother about the gardening. She said she felt this was a good discipline to learn, and the next day I returned home from school to find a pale lavender smock placed on my bed with a note. The note read; 'It is not becoming for a young lady to have dirt on her uniform. I hope this will help you to take better care of your appearance.' I grinned and hugged the smock to my chest, later thanking my mother profusely. The months in which I was able to spend enjoying the flowers without many worries are very dear to me. This luxury was soon to end, however, on the day that I met the man who would change my life forever.

Something was different about that day, I knew, and the sensation was palpable for its entire duration. My mother moved quickly and efficiently, directing our small wait staff to make sure that our home was spotless. Toward the evening, the aroma of various spices began to waft out of the kitchen. I was ushered into the bath, and then into a silky cream colored kimono with dark red edging. Tightly, with not a stray in sight, my hair was bound behind my head with a comb the same shade as the lining of my Kimono.

I went along with the bustle without question or complaint. The anxiety in mother's eyes told me that it would be best if I remained quiet. The largest room in our house had been prepared for a dinner setting. Tatami mats had been arranged, and a long and low table placed on top with cushions for sitting comfortably beside it. As the sun outside softened considerably, and the hum of the locusts slowly faded my mother began to settle into her usual quiet calm. 'Your father is bringing home some very important guests', she said as if finally answering my unasked questions.

'Tanaka Hiroki, Senior Vice-Minister of Economy, Trade, and Industry. He is a long-time friend and university brother to your father, and has been a great help in the continuing success of your father's business. It is a great honor to your father and our family that he will be dining in our home this evening. He requested it specifically…please do your best to honor your father Shizuru. This man is very important to him. He will also be bringing another man, Ueno Shigeru, who is a friend and personal advisor to Vice-Minister Tanaka. They are both visiting from Tokyo, and Ueno-san may sound different and use different words than you are used to hearing. It is Tokyo-ben, please do not embarrass us by mentioning it."

"Yes, mother." I replied obediently. My curiosity was now entirely piqued. I wondered what a Senior Vice Minister would look like, and felt a bit dizzy that my father would be friends with such a highly ranked government official. I also wondered what kind of man a Senior Vice Minister would trust to advise him. My mind reeled with questions and implications; not to mention worries concerning being polite enough and honoring my father. I could understand now, why my mother had been in such an energized state all this time. We flinched slightly at the sound of muffled conversation becoming louder as the front door opened. We studied the floor for a few moments while my father led his guests further into the entryway.

'Please come in', my father chimed 'my home is your home.' Noticing us, he turned to his guests 'Vice-Minister Tanaka, Ueno-San, please allow me to introduce my wife and daughter.'

Bowing deeply, my mother and I both exhaled an enthusiastic 'welcome, we are honored by your visit.'

'Fujino-san, your home and family are so lovely! I feel my own home is a barn with mules in comparison!' one of the men exclaimed. He appeared the smallest bit shorter than my father. Grey peppered his neatly combed hair, despite these and small creases by his eyes that made him look somewhat tired, his face appeared almost younger than my father's. It had a kindness to it, and his eyes glittered almost mischievously.

'Vice Minister Tanaka, perhaps you should consider having Ueno-san investigate your Optometrist. I fear he is not doing his job correctly, as I assure you that your home and family far outshine my own.' My father replied, bowing slightly. 'Please, let us have a seat at the table.'

'We will do as you ask, Fujino-san, but I beg you to drop the title. We are old friends after all, are we not?'

'Of course…' my father smiled as he led his guests to the dining area.

The evening ran smoothly. Servants brought trays filled with small dishes. There were sweet eggs, sushi, rice, miso soup, and a number of other delicious foods. My mother and I stayed away mostly, entering the room occasionally to serve tea or warm sake. I couldn't help but peek through the sliding door, straining to hear Mr. Ueno's accent. He did not say much, but his accent and voice were terribly interesting when he did.

He was a full head taller than either my father or Vice-Minister Tanaka, and this was noticeable even as they were seated. His eyes were small, dark, and difficult to read. Hair, equally as dark, was slicked back and pulled into a ponytail. He looked like the Samurai in movies and history books, and his voice rumbled as if it were an earthquake originating from somewhere deep in his stomach.

The imposing looking man surveyed the room idly as if completely uninterested in the conversation between my father and Vice-Minister Tanaka. The latter were both completely engaged in nodding between mouthfuls, recounting tales of their school days. He caught me staring at him on one of his gazing sweeps. The corner of his mouth lifted in the hint of a smile, and it sent a cold shiver down my back. Startled, I stepped back a few paces, and lifted the carafe of Sake- bringing it into the room in an attempt to appear that that had been my intention all along.

'Ah, just in time.' Minister Tanaka smiled warmly. He had already had several glasses of Sake already. 'Your daughter really is lovely, Fujino.' He bid me come closer as he raised a hand to cut off the beginnings of my father's protest. I was drawn to stand between himself and Mr. Ueno, whom I had the itching desire to sneak glances at. Instead, I kept my head lowered.

'What is your name, child?'

'Fujino, Shizuru' I replied softly.

'Shizuru' he repeated, 'and what age are you?'

'I am 11 years old, Vice-Minister.'

He looked up seeming a bit surprised. 'Fujino-san…is she really only 11? Iroke ga dete kita…already.' Studying me a bit more intensely, he seemed to notice something he hadn't seen before. He motioned to Mr. Ueno who leaned forward into my view, to see what the Vice-Minister had been so interested in.

'Is there something wrong Tanaka-san?' my father asked, beginning to look uncomfortable at the attention I was receiving. I wasn't exactly feeling at ease myself. The Vice-minister exchanged glances with Ueno-san, before looking at my father.

'Just…this unusual mark, is it a scar?'

'Mark? The little red one? No, she's had that since she was born. Is that all?' my father said with a small sigh of relief. He seemed to have had his fair share of sake as well. The two visitors shared another meaningful look, before easing back onto their respective cushions.

'Ah no, no problem Fujino-san. Just a very peculiar mark, I hoped she hadn't taken an injury of some kind. She has intelligent eyes, and I think you might consider grooming her to take your place some day Fujino.'

The Vice-Minister again lifted a hand to silence my father, before he could get words out.

'I know it is not customary to speak of business in the home, and I will keep this short, but as you know we are becoming more and more involved with Western businesses. A woman Shacho will not be easily accepted by other businessmen nor the other Government officials, but we are all aware that we must keep up with our competitors. Women will not always be office flowers, and we would greatly expand our market and improve relations with the West. I would be support you in this move fully. You know who backs me, so please consider my suggestion.' He said the last words in such a harsh tone that it was obviously to be taken as a command more than a request.

'Yes, Vice-Minister Tanaka. I will.' The Vice-Minister didn't correct the usage of the title this time.

* * *

Authors Notes:

Iroke ga dete kita- I wasn't sure how to translate this without it sounding strange so I left it in Japanese, it basically means 'a sexual shade is showing', and is usually said about girls when they start looking mature and attractive to men.

Shacho- the Japanese word for a company President.


	4. The Test

'Those who keep the precepts become donkeys, those who break them, men"

My father repeated the words that Vice-Minister Tanaka had left him with before departing for the evening.

'Don't worry Fujino-san. Please, have faith in my judgment', the Vice-Minister had said.

It had been an hour since the staff had finished cleaning the dining area and kitchen. My mother had been paused over the sink with a cup of now cold tea in her hand since they had finished with the dishes. On the porch, my father sat holding his head in his hands and speaking out loud to no one, to himself, maybe to the Kami. I remained quietly seated by the door in view of both the kitchen and the window that looked out onto the porch.

'He's gone mad…' my father whispered, paling. 'Ikkyu was a monk…a holy mad man…he is a government official…a businessman…he will ruin us…he will shame himself and take me with him…maybe the entire country…' The moonlight made my father's eyes glint with their wetness.

Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I jumped slightly. Nishimura, a kind man and one of the most favored of the household servants stood behind me.

'You have school tomorrow, Shizuru-sama. You should get some rest.'

He walked with me towards the part of the house where my bedroom was situated.

'Don't worry. Shizuru-sama was a perfect lady this evening, everything will be alright.'

Staring into his concerned eyes, I nodded hoping for his words to be right.

I didn't really understand then, what had transpired that evening, or what was to come. Nothing could have prepared any of us, I think, for the events that would unfold beginning on that night. Softly, I slid through the door into my room, unfolded my sleeping mat, and let myself slip into the comforting nothingness of slumber.

After school the next day, I took my usual route through the school grounds to help Mr. Sugiyama with the gardening. The sun and the hum of locusts were becoming more oppressive as summer came nearer. I was about to step off the path, but was halted by the sound of my name.

'Fujino, Shizuru'

I looked around to see who might be addressing me. I blinked, surprised to see Vice-Minister Tanaka standing at the end of the walkway.

'Good afternoon, Vice-Minister', I bowed respectfully. He came closer and set a large but delicate looking hand on my shoulder.

'Good afternoon, Shizuru. Actually, Shizuru, I was hoping you might call me Ojisan? Your father and I are almost family, after all.'

'Please forgive me, but I would not presume to call someone as impressive as Vice-Minister Tanaka Ojisan…' I mewled in a surprised tone. He smiled, but when he spoke his tone was commanding.

'You will presume, Shizuru. You don't want to insult me by not honoring my request, do you?' He lifted my chin so I could not avoid looking at him, and tilted his head still smiling. I did not look into his eyes, but agreed.

'I will not insult you, Ojisan.'

'Excellent', he replied cheerfully. 'I have spoken to your father, and he has agreed that it would be wise if I were to begin your training. Please, come with me and everything will become clear in time.'

I looked nervously at the large black vehicle as we approached. A sharply dressed young man opened the door to let us in. The leather seats were soft and grey, and creaked slightly under our weight. Even the side panels were plush and lined, and the car smelled as if it were brand new. Once we were moving the Vice-Minister began to speak again.

'How was your day at school Shizuru?'

'It went well, we work hard and do our best.'

'That is good to hear. Do you enjoy school?'

'Yes, well' I paused, 'I enjoy school, but I also enjoy after school. I can help clean up, and tend to the flowers.'

He smiled at my last statement. 'Gardening? How delightful. Gardening can be a spiritual experience, and also teach you much about other things in life. Tell me, Shizuru…have you yet had a lesson from your flowers?'

'I think so, Vice-Mi…Ojisan. Mr. Sugiyama said that flowers who work so hard to grow and reach for the sun should be rewarded. He said I was right, when I thought that flowers should be forgiven for having thorns and biting people too.'

'I see.' He seemed to be thinking, and so was silent for a while. 'Do you think…all flowers deserve to be helped, and to reach for the sun? Just because they work hard? And they should all be forgiven?'

'Don't you think so, Ojisan?' I asked, a little confused by his question.

'Well, what if one of the flowers that you help take care of gets over-taken by another flower? Should that flower be allowed to swallow yours? Or what if your flower over-takes all of the other flowers in the garden, is that fair to the other flowers?'

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, unable to think of a reply. My mind darting around the questions he had asked, and trying to intuit an appropriate response. Before I could complete the task I had set my mind to, he broke the silence with a small chuckle.

'Don't fear, Shi-chan…when I am done teaching you, you will know how to answer such questions. You'll know the answer to that question and more. Really, you will be a masterpiece…with what I will teach you.'

Not knowing exactly what he meant, I nodded and thanked him.

'You'll repay me some day, for now please do your best to learn.'

'I will, Ojisan.' I nodded once more.

The car began to slow, and pulled in front of a massive building. The young driver once again hopped out to open the doors.

'This is the Kyoto Royal Hotel; I stay here on my visits. Lovely, is it not?"

"Amazing," I nodded. "This is very close to the government offices isn't it?"

"Very perceptive, Shizuru. Yes, it is. Follow me, and I will show you around."

Once through the doors the Vice-Minister was greeted by name, and as we walked through the lobby there were many deep bows as we passed. Everything was pristine, classical, and elegant. Beautifully arranged flowers, delicate paintings, contrasted an otherwise stark environment. We crowded in with some other passengers and quietly rode our way up to the Vice-Minister's floor. He told me he had acquired a few rooms, to accommodate his advisor and some other staff members. As we traversed the hallway, he asked me if I'd ever studied Kendo. During the time that I had wanted to be a son for my father, I had had one of the students at school teach me the Kendo that he was learning. I told the Vice-Minister that I knew a little bit, but I left out the reason.

'Good, that will be helpful. Before I commit myself to you fully, there is something I have to make sure of.' He opened the door to a large room that appeared to have had everything removed from it except for a large matted area and Ueno-san. Once again Ueno-san's lips curled into a slight smile, and again shivers forced their way along my spine. I forced myself to bow a greeting. He nodded his head, and then bowed to the Vice-Minister before resuming a leaning position against one of the empty walls.

'Anyone who is to succeed in a position of power, to be a leader, has to learn many things…to be many things.' Vice-Minister Tanaka began. 'I will take you to observe what businessmen and other leaders do from day to day. You might be surprised. Before that, however, I must test that you will be able to do what I will expect of you. I hope you will also learn a few lessons from this as well.' He turned his head to Ueno-san 'Shigeru' he barked. The burly man pushed himself off the wall with surprising quickness, 'Yes, Vice-Minister?'

'Please bring the bokken.'

Ueno-san ducked into a door near where he had been standing, and returned with a wooden practice sword in each hand. Vice-Minister Tanaka nodded in my direction, and Ueno-san tossed one to me. I raised my hands to catch it just in time.

'Ueno-san will be your sparring partner. He will not go easy on you, so you will have to do your absolute best. Is that understood Shizuru?' I was about to protest when he signaled Ueno-san to begin. My complaint came out as barely audible squeak, as I lifted the sword and braced for the impact of Ueno-san's stroke.

'Beneath the surface of every human interaction, there is another interaction being played out.' Vice-Minister Tanaka continued.

crack

'Underneath every word that is spoken, there are tens of thousands of other words that are being left unspoken.'

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'This is the Japanese way. One of the only reasons that we have done so well economically up until this point, despite refusing to change with the times. Westerners put all of their cards on the table at once. They cannot tolerate silences. They are like blind children in a land of mine fields, because they do not understand the depth of the world of human interaction. They do not know how to use their intuition fully, to hear the unspoken words, to hide their own.'

crack

thud

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'You must learn to speak the words of polite etiquette and show respect, transmit the words you mean to say without speaking, and hide the ones you don't want heard. Your face must only show what you want others to see. That face must become respected.'

crack

'This is a very hard thing to learn, but you must master it if you want to succeed. You must have fighting spirit if you want to master it. You must be able to do both at once, listen and speak on the surface, and navigate the game being played beneath it.'

My arms were becoming numb, and my grip on the bokken was sweaty- tenuous at best. My lungs were burning, and I felt dizzy from ducking and jumping to miss Ueno-san's lunges. Even then, I could feel every aching spot where I had not been able to avoid his strike. I was struggling to listen to Vice-Minister Tanaka and avoid being hurt by Ueno-san. A wave of hopelessness washed over me, and my eyes began to glitter.

'I don't want to see that face. If you are hurt, that is fine, but don't let me see it. Don't let Ueno-san see it.'

crack

I bit my lip, but the tears continued to come unbidden.

thud

'Did you not hear me? I said, I don't want to see that face. Will you disgrace your father so easily?'

A sharp pain pierced my stomach at his words.

'Doesn't your flower deserve to succeed over Ueno-san's? Yours is far more beautiful…is it really that weak?'

crack

I could barely raise my arms now, and the mention of disgracing my father seemed to have sucked all of the heat from my body. I stumbled backwards as I blocked Ueno-san's next blow.

Ueno-san spoke for the first time, his voice hissed like steam that had spent hundreds of years trapped beneath the surface of the earth violently trying to push itself through, 'You know you were born on the same day as Vice-Minister Tanaka? I heard your father was hoping for a son…even wanted to name you after the Vice-Minister. Instead he got you. Yet here my master is giving you a chance to prove yourself anyway, and all you can do is cry. You are shame to both of them.' He spit on me.

I dropped to my knees as he landed a blow to my shoulder. My insides were a tumultuous mixture of fear, sorrow, self-hatred…and anger at Ueno-san.'

'You and your father, are pathetic. You deserve to be swallowed.'

He lifted his arms above his head, preparing to land a strike that would end the match satisfactorily for him. I wondered for a moment if it would kill me, but that thought was barely audible over the rage that was welling up.

My breathing slowed, my face relaxed into a calm. I looked up at him, and smiled slightly…in just the way that he had smiled at me earlier. Before he could blink, I had leapt to my feet, and sent the butt of my bokken sailing towards his face. With a jolt to my arm, I felt it finally make contact. At the same instant, a sickening wet snapping sound- then the warm feeling of blood dripping down the bokken blade and over my white knuckles. Ueno-san toppled backwards surprised. Covering his face he let out a small moan. I dropped the blade, and sank again to my knees in shock over what had just happened. After a few moments of silence, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.

'I'm sorry Shizuru. I hope you will understand someday, why this test was necessary.' He glanced at Ueno-san who had taken his shirt off and was using it to stop his nose from bleeding.

'I didn't mean…' I stammered, still swimming in the confusion of what I'd just done.

'Don't worry about Ueno-san, he will be fine. He is used to getting roughed up. You did what I wanted you to do- What you needed to do.'

'I did?' I asked incredulously.

'Mm', he nodded his approval. 'Weeds have flowers, and can sometimes be as beautiful as roses, or other blooming plants. But, one must have fighting spirit, the will to do what is necessary to make sure their beloved flower is the one that reaches the sun. I needed to see that you had that spirit. Sometimes weeds must be swallowed. Not all flowers deserve to reach for the sun, Shizuru, and they don't all deserve to be forgiven.'

* * *

_Ikkyu- a famed Zen Buddhist monk, known for despising hypocrisy, and being a rebel. The quote Vice-Minister Tanaka used was his._

_Ojisan- Uncle_

_Bokken- Wooden practice swords used in Kendo._


	5. Spark

The months that followed my first meeting with Vice Minister Tanaka seem like a blur in my memory. A never-ending cacophony, those days of new worlds bursting open one by one in front of me. It was all I could do to absorb everything, to commit to heart and memory all that I was expected to take in. A natural precociousness blossomed under the tutelage I was receiving. It carried me farther and farther away, but from what? I didn't realize at the time. It simply felt that I had stepped aboard a ship sailing out of a port that was now too shrouded in mist to recall.

During this time, I learned that my father's company maintained a division specializing in the manufacturing and distribution of weaponry. The government had a special interest in my father's company for this reason, and was a large factor in why he had been able to do so well with the help of Vice Minister Tanaka. Seeing as weapons accounted for a large portion of profitability, the company had sunk a considerable amount of money into weapons research.

Along with this information, I was also to discover that I was a part of this 'research.' All because of a little red mark no larger than a finger tip, and a small star by the side of the moon that only someone like myself could see- only a HiME. When I was first told, I didn't believe. It still sounds like something out of a fairytale. Ancient legends? Strange monsters? When they brought me to one of the research facilities, however, it became a reality I could not refute. I met and killed my first Orphan that day. I materialized my weapon, and made my pact to fight along side my 'child'- a rather smallish creature named Kiyohime. This was what I was training for, my destiny as a HiME, the fortune it would bring to Vice Minister Tanaka, to my father and his company, if I should do well.

I studied martial arts. I learned to make my tongue an equally dangerous weapon through diplomacy, which over the past few years I've added my own womanly touch to. I dare say, in this area it wasn't long before I had far surpassed the level of my teachers. In addition to my training I received private tutoring, so I would not fall behind in my school work. It's still a wonder to me, how everything had come to be the way it was. How could I have understood anything then? I was so young, just flying forward on the swell of a breaking wave.

"Happy Birthday, Shi-chan..."

Vice-Minister Tanaka held out a large envelope toward me. It was our birthday, and he had arranged a private lunch at a nice restaurant for ourselves and my family.

"Thank you very much, Ojisan, but I couldn't..."

"It's alright, Shi-chan, take it. I would like for you to open it now. It's important."

"Yes, Ojisan"

My father looked curious and concerned as I neatly opened the parcel. My mentor was sitting back in his chair, smiling and appearing extremely pleased. I pulled out a crisp sheet of paper with a glossy booklet behind it. My eyes, as well as my parent's, glanced over the letter. Upon reading that I had been accepted to Fuuka Academy, I looked up at Vice Minister Tanaka.

"Congratulations, Shizuru. You did exceptionally well on the test, I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you, Ojisan."

"Fujino, what do you think? Your daughter will be going to quite a prestigious school." He left the fact that it served to further their own ends unsaid.

"I am very happy. Thank you for your help in preparing her for this honor."

"Think nothing of it, I hardly did anything at all. Your daughter is an apt and disciplined student, Fujino-san."

"She will be leaving us for quite some time then."

"Indeed she will, but do not worry my friend. You know that I will be looking in on her quite often, while I am working in Tokyo."

My father didn't even look at me while the details of my future schooling and life were discussed. My mother and I sat quietly until the lunch was over.

Yes, when I came in with the tide I found myself at Fuuka Academy.

Later, Vice Minister Tanaka had told me that this place is where everything was to happen. My instructions were to observe and wait until the HiME festival. Other HiME would surely be brought to the school, and I was to try to ascertain who they were among the other members of the student body. I could fight the Orphans, but I was to protect my own identity as a HiME at all costs.

At first I was very self-conscious, particularly when it seemed I was becoming quite popular. Kyoto-ben wasn't prevalent at the Academy, and I was soon finding myself almost constantly surrounded by a trail of people asking questions and wanting to get a look. When it didn't show any signs of easing up I decided it might actually come in handy, and welcomed the attention. To be honest, I came to quite enjoy it. Besides, who would suspect a HiME to allow themselves to be so conspicuous?

Middle school passed by quietly with the exception of the occasional Orphan. It seems those were to become more frequent the closer it came to the festival. I was doing well in my classes, and made a few acquaintances. There weren't any that I really let myself become close with, although I was reasonably fond of Kanzaki-kun. He too came from an old and wealthy family, we understood one another on that level. Even the stolid formality and the masked teasing between us I found to be comforting. Most who saw us interact might think that we were interested in one another, but I found him to be more of a brother figure or someone who might become a best friend. I believe he felt the same way given our mutual enjoyment of the affections of our young and adorable fan-girls. Often we shared a cup of tea after school hours, and read confession letters that one just simply couldn't keep to one's self. It's amazing really, how even without help, all of us who were tied up in this festival were drawn to one another.

I wish that slow and peaceful time could have lasted forever. If I could have stopped everything from happening somehow, if I could have taken away these marks, these powers, our curse; to make it stay as it was for the short time after I met her…I would have given anything for that.

Her. Kuga Natsuki. Her name on a piece of paper next to her photograph. She's burning…that's what I thought when I first saw her picture. She didn't disappoint in person. I watched her day after day (or at least those days that she would decide to show up) marching through the halls with her fists clenched, her head thrown back as if in defiance of some invisible tyrant. The paper said she had no one- some distant father in a far off place sending money, a deceased mother. She was all alone. I guessed that even though I had parents I wasn't any less alone.

This girl, the first person I had knowledge of who was like me. A HiME. Watching her burn, it kindled something within me as well. What was she thinking? What was driving her? Why did she push everyone away? Why would she choose to be alone? In the end I knew I was going to have to kill her, so why did I end up feeling this way? There was so much I was made responsible for. "Am I really so fickle?" I would think to myself. But that fateful day in the Garden, when I saw her hand paused over a newly bloomed flower ready to crush it just as she was crushing her own heart…I knew at that moment what flower I wanted to see reach the sun. I cupped my fingers gently around it as I had around that flower so long ago, but this time I smiled when I felt its thorns.


	6. Fears and Comforts

"_There aren't really such things as monsters Oji-san…"_

"_Really? Then, what do you suppose that is?" he said, the long, delicate index finger of his right hand pointed across the large open area that was housed in the research facility. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes took in a grotesque looking creature being slowly revealed behind a sliding bay door. Its body was contorted. It heaved and twitched as it lurched to its feet. Steam and saliva poured from its gaping maw, and slowly its head and eyes turned to focus on where I was standing. My legs felt as if they had turned to leaden stumps. I spun to look for Vice Minister Tanaka, but he was gone. _

_This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening._

"_I told you about all of this already, Shizuru. You know what you have to do." The voice echoed hollowly from the over head speakers as if it had been privy to my thoughts. Everything I was told- that I'm a HiME, but what does that mean? Somehow I'm supposed to be able to fight that thing, but feeling naked in its presence it was all I could do to keep my shaking limbs holding me upright. As I stood paralyzed, the vile thing grinned a foul toothy smile. In a flash it came bounding forward. Its claws made sickening scratching noises each time they pounded into the floor._

_I was going to die. I closed my eyes and waited for something that would never come. My stomach suddenly flew up into my throat, and I lost my footing. When my eyes opened I was on the back of a serpent. I almost screamed as one of its heads swiveled about, and stared at me with glowing eyes. Where had the name come from, I was sure it hadn't said it? Yet somehow it was there in my head. _

_Kiyohime..._

_I whispered it then, and it made a strange sound not unlike purring. It rubbed its head against mine before returning with the others to hiss at the Orphan. This was my child, the guardian Vice Minister Tanaka had said would appear to fight with me. My heart pounded in my ears. How could any of this be happening? I heard a snarl and the gnash of fangs. Before I could react Kiyohime reared, and I was sent flying into the wall behind it. A glint of light above caught my eye. I looked up to the outlines of people observing from behind a dark glass window._

_I still don't know if it was really my father, or perhaps just someone who looked similar. They were just outlines after all, but it had been enough._

_I couldn't be a son. I couldn't be a man. I couldn't be what he most wanted, but I could be a HiME, right? This one thing I could do for him, I had to do it. I would fight with Kiyohime, I would win. If everything else Vice Minister Tanaka said were true, than I would create a world in which my father, my mother, myself…we could always be smiling. I clenched my jaw in grim determination, and pushed myself to my feet. It was a feeling very similar to when Ueno-san had pushed me, only this time it was accompanied by the appearance of a Naginata. Feeling my lips curve into a slight smile, I once again let myself slip into the darkness. That place in myself beyond the reach of reason._

When I had first arrived at Fuuka Academy, I'd dream of that day every night. As if my subconscious wanted to remind me that even though things were calm, I would never really be allowed to rest. Since I came to know Natsuki, however, that dream came less and less often. Those times it did, I would wake filled with a sickening dread. I can't even remember killing that first Orphan. I had passed out afterwards, and woke up in the facility's infirmary. Ojisan had praised me claiming that I had done so well the creature wasn't even recognizable by the time I'd finished. I wasn't sure what scared me more- what I had done, or that I had done it and couldn't even remember. Does everyone have such a place they can go to, such darkness?

The dream also reminded me that Kiyohime seemed to be getting larger, and I didn't know why. Since Natsuki had discovered her powers, I rarely had to fight Orphans. It didn't make any sense to me that Kiyohime would be getting stronger. That name, also filled me with icy terror. How fitting it was. What a pair we made, the legendary Tea Mistress and the Tea Mistress of Fuuka. The both of us fated to long after those things that would never be ours. The love of a father. And slowly but surely it seemed I was growing an even more impossible desire. The shame of that desire crushed me beneath an iron heal.

Those mornings would come and go, however, and the terror of the night would fade. Pushed out of sight by classes, meetings, and various other responsibilities. All of those would float away on the steam of a nice warm cup of tea as well. Sometimes I would fancy I could take on twenty Orphans at once so long as it was behind a tea cup.

Natsuki had asked me rather bluntly what my 'deal' with tea was. Her question had caught me by surprise, even though I did have an answer. The master who taught me the way of tea had said that if you couldn't stop to enjoy a cup of tea, if you weren't able to enjoy the moment, than everything else was pointless. If you don't nourish your spirit, than you are no better than dead. Natsuki had huffed and proclaimed it a stupid sentiment, but at least she had accepted it at that.

I refrained from admitting the rest. That I clung to such sentiments as if they would protect me. I wanted these peaceful moments of mundane school affairs and days spent with Natsuki to last forever. Compared to that dark destiny waiting silently for us, piles of paperwork, Natsuki's rebuffs, and even Suzushiro's endless linguistically incompetent insults and moral liturgies were things quite welcome. Behind this warm cup, if even for a moment, everything frightening, everything troubling, it would all vanish, and I could feel for just a while that it really would last forever.


	7. Falling

"All done?" I asked as I heard her footsteps coming toward where I stood staring silently out the window.

As I had hoped, she often came to use the school's intranet resource on my laptop. I smiled inside remembering how perceptive she'd been in knowing that the council's presidency wasn't something I wanted just for myself. Her exasperated expression while making the insinuation that I had done it because of something she had said had been delightful to watch. Mostly that was true, but I did have some reasons of my own. Reasons that she would have been surprised to know were so similar to her own reasons for doing things.

"Yea, thanks… as usual."

She brushed her long dark hair over a shoulder, and leaned against the glass. I smiled, and too returned to staring at the view below. The other students walked about laughing and chatting amongst themselves. I wondered if my friend too was pondering over the events that led to standing behind a window shouldering heavy burdens, instead of being down there with them. Watching the other students a while longer, a thought occurred to me.

"Natsuki, the students go off campus to enjoy other activities don't they?"

The girls' brow drew down in confusion over her green eyes, pale in the fading light.

"Sure, I guess they do….why?"

"I've been wondering if maybe I should go and see about these activities. Suzushiro seems to feel that the school is too lax, and that we're letting the students engage in immorality when they're away from the campus."

"Haruka would see moral indecency in a three year old." Natsuki sneered. "Don't tell me you actually listen to her?"

"Natsuki's so mean! Suzushiro's only doing her job…" I scolded, suppressing a giggle. "All the same, it might be interesting to see. Would Natsuki take me?" I leaned in until our legs were touching, and tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. "Please?"

Natsuki's face flushed, and she nearly tripped while taking a few steps backwards. 'Shi…Shizuru…" she uttered nervously, before she had caught and steadied herself. She spun quietly away, and walked to collect her book bag off of my desk. Pausing for a moment before stepping out of the classroom door she turned her head slightly, "Tomorrow after school."

The next day I found her leaning against her motorcycle in front of the dormitory. I spent some time staring at her. Heart palpitations and flutters sent shivers through my entire body, and I felt strangely exhilarated. Her arms were folded, and one leg crossed over the other. Despite her cold and tom-boyish stance, the suit she wore while riding betrayed beyond all reasonable doubt that she was more woman than she would ever be able to hide. I thought for a moment that perhaps I shouldn't be doing this, but before I could reconsider she was shouting.

"Are you coming or not?!"

I walked out from where I'd been standing, and made my way over to her. Natsuki's eyes surveyed me from head to toe. "Don't you have normal clothes?"

I stared down at what I was wearing: A dark grey pair of women's dress slacks, and a lavender button up blouse. I suppose it was a bit formal, but it women's business attire was all I had besides uniforms.

"Is there something wrong with this? Natsuki's wearing a cosplay from an American superhero comic…" I countered grinning. The dark haired girl gritted her teeth.

"I have normal clothes on under this, you know."

"Well, this is all I have to wear. Would Natsuki like me to take it off?" I brought my hands up, and unbuttoned the first few buttons of my blouse teasingly.

"NO! I mean, no…it's fine… let's just go." She turned her brightly colored cheeks away, and bent to pick something up off the ground. "I don't see why we have to go on this. Shouldn't there be a car for the President or something?"

"Reito has a car at the Kanzaki's ancestral home near here, but I didn't think to ask him."

"Ah, your boyfriend should just leave you with the keys."

"Natsuki, we've bee"

"I know." She cut in, "But I get to get back at you sometimes don't I?"

I glared. She had once asked about my relationship with Reito, since it was rumored throughout the school that we were a couple. I explained that it wasn't true, of course, but that it didn't seem to be a huge problem. Neither of us would outwardly confirm nor deny the accusation. Besides, ever since the rumor had been started it had cut down quite a bit on the number of confession letters we received, and the rejections we'd had to make.

"Students aren't supposed to have vehicles on campus anyhow. My my, I wonder how it is exactly that the student council and head master have seemed to overlook the fact that you ride in on this every day…?" I rubbed my chin in mock confusion.

"Ok, ok, you win...Have you ever been on a motorcycle?" She asked.

"No" I replied.

"Well, it's simple really. The only thing you have to do is remember that when I'm leaning into a turn, you should lean the opposite direction. Otherwise, just hold on. Here." She handed me her helmet. "Wear this…and don't fall off."

"I feel so happy. Is Natsuki worried about me?"

"Not really, I'm just afraid of your fan-club. Who knows what they'd do to me if I got you hurt." She nodded her head toward the dormitory while swinging a leg over the bike. I slid in behind her, and took a look to where she'd nodded. Well over a half dozen girls peered enviously down into the courtyard, several of them crowded around the entry.

"So that's how you knew I was there." I said wonderingly. "To be honest, sometimes they scare me too." I whispered into her ear, and then placed the helmet over my head.

"Ready?" She called out over the rumbling of the engine. I wrapped my arms around her waist and squeezed lightly. Without another word we sped out into the late afternoon sun. The cool air whipped through Natsuki's hair, and through my clothes. I could see now, why she wore that suit. I pressed tighter against her. Where she ended and I began, the space where we met was so warm. I wished I could melt into her and disappear. My heart leapt up into my throat every time we took a curve. We were going so fast, it felt amazing. Each time I sensed her body leaning, I remembered and moved as she had told me. I couldn't help but find something deeply sensual in riding with her like this, it was like a dance. No words, just the anticipation of bodies moving. I was almost sorry when we reached the diner.

Once on the ground again, however, I had trouble catching my balance. My insides swam, and my legs felt strangely numb. Nearly falling over, Natsuki caught me and took me by the arm. "You get used to that." She gave a half smile, and led me into the diner. Inside, the room was a foreign sight. It was quite busy, and watching the waitresses in cute red and white outfits maneuver from table to table like bees in a flower garden was dizzying.

"Welcome!" they called out as Natsuki shuffled us over to a table. After a brief trip to the bathroom to unzip her riding suit, she collapsed into her side of the booth, and slid a menu in front of me. I glanced over it for a moment, and started to feel a bit sullen. Western food wasn't something I had much experience with. Idly I thought Oji-san might have missed the boat a bit by leaving that aspect out of my training. At least I recognized tea on the menu.

"What will you be having today?" one of the waitresses asked, having buzzed over to our table. Natsuki looked across at me. "Do you know what you want?"

"I'll just have whatever Natsuki is having." Her brow furrowed slightly, but she didn't say anything further. Instead she turned to the waitress and ordered two hamburgers with fries, and a sundae. We chatted about classes, and some of the mutual school mates we knew of while we waited, but it didn't take very long for our order to arrive.

"Would you bring me some mayonnaise please?" Natsuki asked the waitress. "And not just a little…if you don't mind."

"Of course," the girl wandered off and came back with a handful of small white packets. In fascination I watched as Natsuki began to rip them open one by one and squeeze them onto her sandwich. I reached across the table to pick one up and examine it. When I read the contents my eyes bulged. She must have noticed, because the next thing I heard was a loud "WHAT?" Looking past the packet, I saw her face dark and angry.

"I'm just amazed that Natsuki's body is so nice and firm when this is what she eats."

"Firm….? My body… Shizuru do you have to say things like"

"I'm sorry" I interrupted. "That was probably rude of me to say. I've just never really used mayonnaise, so I didn't know what was in it. I was surprised, that's all."

"Really? You've been missing out." She leaned over the table, and snatched the packet out of my hand. I thought she would add it to her own sandwich, but instead she lifted the bread off mine and squeezed the packet onto it. "There." She said. "Try it."

I nodded, and picked up the utensils that lay next to the plate. Before I could begin cutting Natsuki was grabbing them out of my hands. "You've got to be kidding me." She rolled her eyes as my fork and knife disappeared behind her side of the table.

"You really are from some rich family aren't you?" Her green eyes looked into mine for a long moment trying to discern something. "Well, you're with the commoners today, so you're going to eat like one."

"I'll do anything if it makes Natsuki happy, though she could hardly be called a commoner" The color returned to her cheeks, and I grinned at being able to turn the tables again. I ate the meal she'd ordered for us happily, with my hands. Our time at the diner passed by jovially, as we exchanged jabs and laughed.

"Fujino. I always knew you were the kind to frequent this sort of establishment." The militant blonde wagged a finger accusingly in my direction.

"Suzushiro-san", I nodded acknowledgement as I straightened. Letting the mask of calm wash over me, I wrapped the persona of the Kaicho around me. It was never so noticeable to me before that time, just how much I let my guard down around Natsuki. As I watched her tense, and sink back into apathy and annoyance, staring out the window as if she couldn't care a bit for what was going on; I wondered if Natsuki didn't have a similar feeling.

"But…we come here Haruka…." The ever timid and disheveled looking Kikukawa mused plaintively. I always wondered what it was that she saw in Suzushiro, and why she would hang around to tolerate the treatment she received.

"Shut up, Yukino." Suzushiro grumbled. "We come here because we're looking out for the best interests of the student body. Somebody has to do it, since our leaders are so negligee!"

"Negligent…" the smaller woman corrected.

"Ugh! Just come sit down Yukino!" the blonde stormed off to a table across the room. Yukino smiled apologetically and made a slight bow. Before she turned to leave, however, she paused and looked between Natsuki and myself. "I know you don't really come here often, Kaicho…we've never actually seen you leave campus before except for the festivals or for something to do with the council…."

"This is my first time here." I nodded. "You don't need to apologize Kikukawa-san."

"Ah, thank you Kaicho…I guess I just also wanted to say it was nice to see you smiling just now, before we came over I mean. You only seem to smile like that when you're together. Anyway, I better get over there. See you tomorrow." She bowed again, and quickly made her way to where Suzushiro was sitting. Natsuki had turned her head at what Kikukawa had said. We both sat silently looking after the direction she had gone. Suzushiro was lucky to have someone like that looking out for her, I thought to myself, whatever reason it was that she did it. Maybe she saw Suzushiro clearly, in a way we couldn't. Overhearing snippets of heated ranting, I thought better of it and shook my head. That woman was incorrigible.

"Want to see something beautiful?" Natsuki asked interrupting my thoughts.

"I would like that."

"Come on then, let's go." She wrapped a hand around my wrist and pulled me toward the door. We climbed again onto her bike, and she drove us up into the mountains overlooking the sea. We pulled off into a small turn out. Taking a seat on the side of the cliff, we dangled our feet over the edge. As the sun slowly sank the sky became a vibrant canvas with watercolors dripping down into the swells. Rich pinks, purples, oranges, yellows, and indigos weaved in and out of one another.

"Amazing" I whispered.

"I haven't watched this with anyone since my mother passed away." It seemed she had said it mostly to herself. I didn't say anything more and just drank in the moment. "I'm sorry."

"For?" I asked, bewildered.

"When I said you were from a rich family…you don't really talk about them much. I probably shouldn't have said anything. I don't think I would have liked it if someone had said it… so I'm sorry."

"Oh…" I thought quietly for a while. "It's true enough. My father owns a successful business in Kyoto, where I'm from. I did grow up quite sheltered. I suppose I really don't like to talk about it much. But I'm happy to share something with Natsuki…since she's sharing this sunset with me."

"He must be pretty disagreeable."

"Who?"

"Your father… since you can put up with me so well." She said jokingly.

"I suppose that's also true enough." I started to laugh. "You're much cuter than my father though….so that helps." I grinned. Once again Natsuki's face had flushed, but it wasn't long before she couldn't help but laugh with me as well. It was such a good feeling, to be able to laugh about my father like that. We laughed until there were tears in our eyes, and we could hardly breathe. It ended in cursing sobs about our aching muscles. We spoke for a while longer. The conversation wasn't about anything deeply important, but I came back from it feeling as if I had gotten to know her a little better.

I fell irrevocably in love with her that night. Her confidence, her anger, her secrets, her blushes, her smiles, her jabs- I came to love every little bit of her.

"You didn't have to make up an excuse to do this, Shizuru. You could have just asked me. It's ok for you to do something just because you want to sometimes." She had said.

What I wanted…

A world in which my father could smile. A world in which I could tell her that I loved her…in which she would love me in return.

Impossible things...

Shameful things...


	8. Destiny Calling

The gods displayed cruel mirth as they removed the bit from the wild stallion's mouth. With a barbaric crack of a whip the chariot of destiny plunged mercilessly forward. Gone too fast were my beloved careless days. The HiME were gathered at the school one by one, and those already there, over time, were revealed. I sat back quietly and watched everything play out around me. The only person who had the slightest clue about my own place in this game was Sister Yukariko. A hopeless slave to the church, I felt confident that she would never tell anyone else. She had nearly ruined everything, but I had seen to it that the mishap was smoothed over. I thanked Natsuki silently in my heart, my position as Kaicho at Fuuka had proved an invaluable asset time and again. 

The pieces moved across the board. I knew there were more than two pairs of hands at work, and wondered if they all operated separately, or if any were aligned with the pair that I was moved by. It wasn't my place to ask, and so I simply carried on watching and reporting. In my communications to Vice Minister Tanaka, I left out my growing concern over the power Mai Tokiha seemed to be displaying. I pushed the chill of uncertainty aside. Smiles. Smiles and Sweet words were, for now, my best weapons. Feed the fan club, disarm Suzushiro, sign the paper work, placate the head mistress, these were my days. I just had to keep juggling. Please…don't anyone breathe. It was a peace I knew wouldn't last, a monotony I knew had to end some time. All I could do was watch helplessly as events spiraled forward. Even my time with Natsuki had become less and less frequent. The more she found the answers she was looking for, the more withdrawn and distant she became. She was pushing herself too hard, and I worried for her.

Without askance the scales tipped, the hourglass turned over, and the festival began.

The other girls seemed surprised to find what I had known all along: The destiny of the HiME to defeat one another until only one girl remained with her child beside her. There was one point though, that I was genuinely surprised to find out. When I inquired about it, the Vice Minister had only smiled and shrugged apologetically. As I thought, he had purposefully neglected to tell me. If my child were defeated so would the one I loved most also disappear. No matter of trying to push it aside quelled the chill that this thought imparted. It firmed my resolve to remain anonymous until it could no longer be helped. I allowed the other HiME to squabble amongst them-selves. So long as Natsuki remained safe, I would wait. The Vice Minister made no move against my decision, and it was just as well. He no longer had a choice in the matter.

Just when I had decided that I would take things into my own hands, whatever hope I had was deftly and succinctly ripped out of them.

What had happened to Natsuki at that time is something I'm not sure I'll ever know. Watching the happenings of the festival as they barreled ever forward, I had decided to follow Nao. Natsuki had flown around a corner too quickly, and fallen off of her bike. The child belonging to Nao took the shape of a spider. Had it been some kind of sixth sense that had allowed her to come across Natsuki in this way? Regardless of how it happened, Nao was taking advantage of the situation. I thought Natsuki would try to fight, but there was something wrong. Hanging helplessly in the clutches of Nao's child, she was a pitiful sight. Nao was going to kill her.

I could no longer afford to remain a spectator.

The flames of my anger burned within me as it curled up from where I kept it, the darkness swirling and purring beneath. Waiting. I felt the weight of my element as it appeared in my grasp. She was going hurt Natsuki, nothing else mattered beyond that. Vice Minister Tanaka, the school, my life…my father…none of it mattered. I didn't believe that I could beat Mai Tokiha; I knew I couldn't. There would be no smiling world, no love. But for the first time in my life I had felt a taste of happiness, someone had truly seen me. I had been content to be just plain Shizuru, because I could make Natsuki smile. I loved her, and that was all there was now. My life drew down to this one singular purpose.

Sometimes I wish I had vanished into the darkness from that point forward, because even if I have been forgiven I've yet to truly forgive myself.

As if to perpetuate the feeling of chaos into which our world had descended, a mist hung thickly around the house to which I'd taken her. She wasn't feverish, but she lay limply hour after hour like a sickly child. All the life that used to fill her had drained away, and she was left a pale and defeated corpse. She would come in and out of consciousness. Even when she was awake she appeared to be in some dream that I could not rouse her from. I watched helplessly. Holding back anguished sighs, I tormented that fate would be so cruel- that there were demons yet that I had no way of protecting her from. I wanted my Natsuki to come back to me.

I made her tea. I made her food. I helped her bathe…

How desperately had I once wanted to do this. My cheeks burned and my eyes watered as I slid a soapy caress over the soft ivory skin of the nape of her neck and back. If she only knew, then she would have drawn away from me. I would never have been allowed this. But instead, she thanked me listlessly.

Her body was cold to the touch. I feared that she would get sick between her lack of heat and the mist that caused everything to be damp. At least, that is what I told myself. Letting my robe slip silently to the floor I would slide onto the futon beside her. Running my fingers through her hair, I kissed her lips gently. I pressed up against her, wrapping myself around her.

'Take my warmth'

I would beg her.

'Take my strength.'

In the darkness I embraced her. My fingers traced her curves, my mouth kissed her shoulders. I whispered to her for hours, words that I could never say in the daylight. In the night my heart's painful confessions spilled over my lips in breathy torrents, between kisses wet with tears. When I became too tired to keep my eyes open any longer, I buried my face in her hair and slipped into dreams on prayers.

'Come back to life Natsuki, come back to me please. I promise I'll protect you. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you.'

When Suzushiro appeared, her words were not anything that I hadn't told myself in my own mind. Still, each one stung like the lash of an invisible switch raining down on me. Again the heat of my rage welled up to save me from being swallowed by shame. I smiled with the smile I had stolen from Ueno-san. She wanted me to step down from the Student Council. Fine, I would step down. I had more important things to do anyway.

"Why are you so cold? Always…"

"You make me sick…"

"In the end, you think about nothing but yourself"

Wrong. I had wanted to say. My entire life, I've thought of nothing but what others had wanted. What my father had wanted. What Vice Minister Tanaka had wanted What the other students and members of the council had wanted. Those few days were the most selfish I had ever spent. I would never have what I wanted. And now I would only think of Natsuki. I curved my fingers, and the weight of my element filled them once again.

But then I heard her voice call my name, and I froze.

She had heard. I hadn't wanted her to hear.

I reached to her, but she screamed and pulled away. I had always known that would be the reaction. It was, after all, exactly as Suzushiro had said. I was shameful. My love was shameful. I had defiled the one person most sacred to me. It was all over now. I had wanted to close my eyes to it, but it had not let me. There was only one fate left to me, to all of us.

"Kikukawa-san, the deadline is close. Is it not?" I spun around, and held out my Naginata.

Yukino loved Haruka perhaps as much as I loved Natsuki, that much was clear. That meant she eventually might feel forced to kill Natsuki to keep Haruka alive whether or not she wanted to. That made her the enemy.

Anyone who could hurt Natsuki was the enemy.

Over the pounding of blood in my ears and the darkness that was sweeping up inside of me, I could hear Natsuki calling out for Duran, but Duran would not come. Without her child or her weapons Natsuki was defenseless. I choked on the realization that Natsuki hadn't even seemed to want to live, and now that she knew of what I had done to her I could only have caused her more torment. She may have turned away from me, but I had promised to protect her. It was all there was left to me. I succumbed to it. I released my hold on the rage and the darkness, and let it wash over me in waves. It was a swift plunge, the descent into madness…

No one would hurt Natsuki, Natsuki belonged to me.

Would that the darkness had spared me the torment of remembering as it had the first time. It's only my fair punishment though I suppose- that I will remember the events that followed for the rest of my life.

* * *

Author's Note:

Certain dialogue in this chapter are verbatim spoken lines from the script of Mai Hime Episodes 22 & 23 as translated by the good people of Static-Subs.


	9. The Price of Sunlight

Red.

Blood.

Blood pounded in my ears.

Blood. Dripping and splashing, its coppery smell thickened the air. I savored the taste with every breath.

"HiME…." The women had looked surprised.

"Oh…how delightful." My laughter softly crept its way into their ears, and they shook at its chill. "I'm happy that you know who I am."

"Wha...what are you doing here? How did you find this place?" one of the braver women had bleated in a wavering voice.

"I think you can discern such a thing quite well on your own." I shot a hot glare in her direction. "You and your First District have sentenced us to death. Now, I've come to return the favor."

"But…but this is how it's always been…" her words were cut short.

"What was that?" I forced the curved blade of my element into her a little further, and then pulled upward. Her insides made a sickening slosh as they began to pour out onto the floor beneath her. The woman's eyes darkened as they moved out of focus. She coughed flecks of red. "You're heavy...would you mind getting off?" I shoved her to the ground, and flicked the Naginata upright once more. Some of the women stood frozen, staring in horror at their dead companion. One turned and fell to her knees to throw up. Some tried to run.

"Kiyohime," I called and my child rose from behind me. Those that had been running stopped; their heads turned to take in what had created the shadow that was falling over them. I ran a hand along the smooth surface of one of the serpent's necks.

"Are you aware, that if something happens to Kiyohime than my most beloved person will perish? No one told me that before I had already agreed to fight." I could feel my lip begin to quiver with rage. "My beloved is a HiME as well. So even if I don't lose she still has to die. That hardly seems fair, don't you think?" I swept a pointed finger around the group of women accusingly. "You had her mother killed. You orchestrated this Festival. All of this is your fault."

One of the women cried out in protest, but it was a futile effort.

"I'm sorry Obaasan, but I really can't forgive you for what you've done to my Natsuki." I smiled softly. "But don't worry, I have a way to ease your conscience."

The element spun through the air. The whip sailed quickly and silently. It looped around the protesting woman's neck. I pulled her closer, and sent the long curved blade of the Naginata in an arc. The woman's grey head landed with a thud and rolled at the feet of another. Her body slumped to the ground moments later. "Kiyohime." I bayed it forward. The Serpent hissed, and plunged ahead to finish the work. The world around me became a reflection of what was inside of me. Beneath Kiyohime's destructive force the buildings were crumbling, the air became sweltering and black as fires broke out. And blood. Yes, it tasted of blood.

Lord Kokuyo's dog had paid me a visit. He'd nearly earned a gutting before I knew what he wanted. There were only those who were Natsuki's enemies and those who weren't now. Nagi certainly qualified as the first, but I decided to hear him out. There were still things I needed to know.

He told me of the First District. Of the events that had led to Natsuki's mother's death. Names and places of people connected with them. My heart skipped a beat at some of the names mentioned. I knew that I was being used. I knew that all my actions would be to Lord Kokuyo's benefit, but it didn't matter. My reins were held by two simple hands. An overwhelming love and desire for Natsuki that blotted out everything else, and a blinding hatred that wanted to destroy every person who had or could ever hurt her. The First District, the other HiME, Lord Kokuyo himself…I would destroy them all. In this dark consuming madness, I no longer conceived of being able to lose.

No one would have her but me.

I wandered up the familiar driveway. The servants peered suspiciously at my torn and bloody Kimono, but made no move to stop me. They had seen me come to visit him before. I made my way up the stairs to where I felt most likely to find him. Vice Minister Tanaka, the man who had once given me hope and purpose. The man who had shown me my darkness and strength. Taught me everything I had needed to know to be Kaicho, to be HiME, to win, for him, or so he had thought. He had shown me a type of kindness, but in the end it was the greatest cruelty. In the end, he had created the most exquisite of monsters, one who was now on her way to destroy her creator.

The door swung open, and the three men seated beyond it moved to their feet. They stared with open mouths at my appearance, their eyes moving from the blade in my hand to my face and back again. I slowly closed the distance to the table where the Vice Minister stood. As I passed the lounge upon which my father had been sitting, I addressed him casually.

"It would appear you have had a change of heart about your modern day Ikyuu father."

His gaze turned to the Vice Minister, but he remained silent. Ueno-san had left his place at Vice Minister Tanaka's side and moved toward me. His hand came up as if to seize me, but before he could take another step a flick of my wrist sent the whip of my Naginata lacing around his legs. I pulled, and his feet flew out from under him. His head smacked against the corner of a chair on his fall to the floor, rendering him unconscious. The Vice Minister stared dumbly at his freshly fallen assistant.

"Was that...really necessary Shi-chan?"

"Don't worry about Ueno-san; he will be fine. He is used to getting roughed up." The Vice Minister stared at me for a long time. His eyes widened and then narrowed, finally seeming to stumble on where he'd heard my words before; his own words.

"Of course…you're right." He paused considering, and then motioned to the side of the table opposite him. "We were just about to have some Tea, please join us." I nodded, and took a seat. "You're something of the expert when it comes to the Tea Ceremony I hear. When I've called to inquire about your studies, the teachers have told me you even have students of your own." He filled up the silence with his words as he filled my cup with the tea.

"The First District is gone." I said bluntly.

His face blanched, nearly dropping the tea pot. He sat back in his chair, wide eyed.

"The First...District?"

"Yes, the First District. Please don't insult my intelligence by pretending as if you've no idea what I'm talking about Ojisan."

The Vice Minister nodded. A nervous laugh escaped his lips, and his fingers ran through his now entirely grey shock of hair.

"But how…"

"Apparently Lord Kokuyo has some different plans for the HiME festival this year than everyone else Ojisan. I suppose he believed that I felt rather similar, so he sent a messenger. There were a terrible amount of things you left me in the dark about…" I smiled at him sadly. "Once I knew their location, I paid them a visit and gave them all the honor of personally executing them." I took a sip of tea.

"Executing...? All of them...?" He stared incredulously.

"Every. Last. One." I'm sure I must have looked rather pleased with myself. He didn't share the sentiment, however, and slammed a fist on the table.

"What the HELL were you doing Shizuru...those people were" I leveled my element at his throat, cutting him short.

"Those people were weeds, and now they're gone." When he finally shrank back in his chair I lowered my weapon. "Calm yourself, you know who will win if you argue with me."

Wilting before my eyes, he let out a defeated sigh. From somewhere within me, a small twinge of pity trickled up. I reached out and covered one of his hands with my own. Failure and helplessness, from wherever the pity had come from memories of these too surfaced. For a moment the darkness receded, and I realized that I had understood those things only too well.

"It's all over now...Ojisan. Even if I hadn't punished them, it wouldn't have changed anything. I'm sorry."

"Still...I don't understand..." He looked at me, appearing confused, perhaps even somewhat hurt.

"You were very kind to me in your own way...and for that I thank you. You taught me what I needed so that I could help my flower reach for the sun. Even if I've failed in the end..." I said the last part more to myself. "But you always thought that flower would be my father, didn't you?" The minister turned his head slowly, glancing to where my father sat watching quietly. It appeared he'd almost forgotten about his presence. I'd been painfully aware, but was determined in what I was to do there.

"I see..." he said quietly. "That explains everything then. Fate likes to have a laugh at our expense doesn't it...bringing the two of you together..." He looked into my eyes. "So you're here to execute us too then. That is why you are here, isn't it?" I ignored his question. Whatever traces of pity had been there were swept away by the admission of his knowledge of her. The darknesses' recession had ended. He knew his fate well, and I was glad of it. Standing, I moved around the table dragging a finger along its edge.

"You were right about one thing..." I stretched the words slowly. Placing the same finger beneath his chin, I spun behind his chair.

"Not all flowers deserve to be forgiven." As I spoke these words, I moved his head to look in the direction of where my father was still sitting silently. I leaned in. Pressing my lips against his ear, I whispered while dragging the blade of my element across his throat.

"Tell me Ojisan, am I not your masterpiece...?"

There was no more than a moist gurgle as his body slumped over and toppled to the floor. My father showed no signs of moving. He made no sound as I slowly made my way across the room. No sound, as I nudged the unconscious Ueno-san with my foot to ensure the man wouldn't interfere. I expected him to say something. I expected him to stand up, to move to strike me.

Something.

But there was nothing.

His eyes gazed up into mine from where he was sitting. The hatred, the anger, the resentment I remember seeing there as a child no longer remained. He simply looked tired. Tired, but content. He smiled at me. The way I had always wished and dreamed of long ago, as if he were finally happy for my existence, as if he were finally proud of something his daughter had done.

Once, that smile would have saved me.

Once, I would have broken into to tears and flown to his embrace.

Now there was nothing but torment for me in that smile.

What had it cost me to see it?

He had been as much a part of this as anyone. His company funded the people who hurt Natsuki. His company funded the people who sent us off to slaughter one another. My knuckles turned white as they squeezed tightly around my element. The rage emanating from me was palpable, and he nodded at seeing it. He lifted himself off of the lounge only to fall to his knees at my feet. Bowing his head, he exposed his neck to me. I raised the blade up, but instead I walked silently out of the room. The door closed behind me. I wondered how long he would stay in that position, waiting for me to bring a swift end to his life. He'd look up soon enough, I thought to myself, and sent Kiyohime in behind me to bring to ruins another bastion of the First District.

Watching the smoke and flames rise up from the rubble, I thought about Natsuki. I had told her to hang in there for me, but I knew she would come looking. Her powers were back. She'd called upon them to prevent me from killing Nao, and though I was disappointed in that aspect, I was very glad she could again protect herself. She seemed to have wanted to fight, but I had still had this to take care of. But now…

Everything was done now. She was all I had left.


End file.
